Conan the Destroyer

#3 in my ranking of films adapted from Robert E. Howard’s works.

Richard Fleischer’s Conan the Destroyer takes the weird, primal, and solidly written pulp by Robert E. Howard and turns it into something lesser, more of a generic fantasy pulp adventure. And you know what? I’m kind of okay with it. It doesn’t even attempt the operatic heights of John Milius’ precursor film, despite the reuse of Basil Poledouris’ score, instead choosing to be a fetch quest, there and back again tale with only perfunctory efforts at character, all while making it a bit (honestly just a bit) sillier than before.

Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his thief partner Malak (Tracey Walker) get attacked and then recruited by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to accompany her niece Princess Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo) and bodyguard Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) to find a crystal that will act as a key to recover a mysterious and magical horn. With promises that Taramis will resurrect Valeria, Conan’s lost love from the previous film, the barbarian agrees to the mission, quickly picking up the wizard Akiro (Mako) and female warrior Zula (Grace Jones).

The center of my issues with this film fall in the opening half hour as this group is assembled. First of all, Conan assembling a team just feels…wrong. Heck, in the first film, the team gets assembled for one quick job, almost haphazardly, and Conan immediately leaves. That doesn’t even include the criticism that the whole section feels abbreviated and out of order (Jehnna talks about how good-looking Conan is before they’ve actually had a scene together at all). It’s all around just kind of weird and doesn’t really work.

However, once they get to where the crystal that will function as a key is, an ice palace in the middle of a lake, I’m on board. The one thing that I love best about Robert E. Howard’s stories of Conan and the Hyborian Age are his portraits of the weird, unnatural magic that he creates. The first film was better at capturing this, but the wizard who can transfigure into a giant bird of smoke, summon a monster, and seems to be powered by glass is in that wheelhouse. It’s probably too brightly lit and flat, but I still appreciate the attempt at weirdness.

The movie then slows down again with the trip to the next place, mostly concerned with Jehnna’s infatuation with Conan and asking Malak and Zula for advice on how to win a man. It’s where the film gets its silliest, but it never goes into outright comedic or slapstick. There are a couple of small moments, though. But beyond that, it feels like this weird middle ground between trying to be lighter in tone (which doesn’t fit) and keeping a more serious aspect to the action (which doesn’t gel with a young girl having an innocent crush on Conan because d’Abo was fourteen years old at the time of filming and they couldn’t go much further than that). This section is probably the film at its worst.

Fortunately, though, the film jumps back into the weirder fantastical nature of the universe for most of the rest of the film. The retrieval of the horn, stymied by some warriors led by another wizard, gives Akiro a moment to shine and do something. There’s special effects and the swinging of swords. There are betrayals and fights. It all comes back to Queen Taramis’ court where the use of the horn goes horribly wrong and we get a great monster (the suit filled by Andre the Giant) and a fun fight.

Is it good? I wouldn’t go nearly that far. Performances are largely nothing special, at best. Schwarzenegger seems afloat and simply undirected when he’s not flexing while holding his sword. D’Abo is kind of annoying. At least Mako and Douglas are having fun. Its opening is overstuffed, too fast, and doesn’t feel right. The intermission between main action sequences in the middle of the film is goofy in all the wrong ways. However, the fantasy elements are really fun and take up a large chunk of the film while the physical production is actually something to be admired (if, again, it’s all filmed too brightly and flatly). The score by Poledouris feels like a rearrangement of his work on the first film, as though de Laurentiis paid him for the existing score and then hired a cheap composer to do the rearrangement and conducting without credit. I mean, it’s still great music, but it feels a bit emptier (as though the orchestra was smaller), and there isn’t a new theme anywhere.

So, it’s a mixed bag, and I feel like I like it a bit more than I should. It’s not a good film, but I get a kick out of a good chunk of it.

Rating: 2.5/4